My beloved sheep, I’ve been rather busy of late and have neglected to astound you all with my infinite wisdom on this blog.
So why break My silence now? Well, as you know, I work in mysterious ways and My blogging is no different. But there is a disturbance in My awesome force, and that disturbance is caused by that pesky Richard Dawkins’ latest written blasphemy – “The Greatest Show On Earth – The Evidence For Evolution”.
He opens his new attack on Me by highlighting the following:
“In 2008, a Gallup poll showed that 44% of Americans believed I created you in your present form within the last 10,000 years. In a Pew Forum poll that same year, 42% believed that all life existed on earth has existed in its present form since the beginning of time”
Now, I didn’t need a poll to tell Me what I already know (I already know everything), but what it does show you is that there are over 50% of you miserable little brats that are slipping down the path to eternal damnation. That’s far too high a number. I want 100% of you to love me and everything I do, at all times. No exceptions. And what’s with the “10,000 years”? Is it so difficult for you to grasp that My Brilliance took just 7 days to achieve?? Wow.
The heathen Dawkins, once again, has the audacity to claim that not only did I not create you in 7 days (or even 10,000 years!) and – wait for it – has “evidence” to prove it (presuming “evidence” would change your faithful mind – be warned!!). And, worse, that you evolved from bacteria – “shit” in other words. This is Dawkins’ way of telling you that you lot are just overgrown and overdeveloped dumb shits! That’s a weak alternative to my eternal offering: I don’t just remind you of your worthlessness, I actually make you feel that way – every day!
What Dawkins fails to realize of course is that I also created all the “evidence” that he points to, and I mean everything:
– the ability of dog breeding and artificial selection
– the radioactive decay that allows carbon dating and radioactive clocks
– the fact that the processes of genetic mutations and evolution are taking place “before your very eyes”
– the exhaustive fossil record
– the gastrulation and neuruation processes during embryonic development
– the geographic distribution (allopatric) speciation
– plate tectonics
– the shared skeletal structures and the shared DNA across species
– the molecular clock
– and all My rather fine examples of “unintelligent design”
I did it all! That’s all Me at My finest, Dawkins.
Now the obvious question you might ask at this stage is the following: if I created all this “evidence” to disprove My Majestic Hand in your creation, then why did I do it? And as usual, I knew you were going to ask that question because I know everything.
I won’t go into each and every example of the “evidence” Dawkins lays out (although I have infinite time and capacity, I don’t have infinite patience – I designed Myself that way). However, I will comprehensively strike down upon three of these examples with great vengeance and furious anger:
1. Ability of dog breeding and artificial selection – easy. The isn’t an “ability”, it is a gift, from Me to you. I have allowed you to express your vanity by giving you the gift of dog breeding. And what do you do with this gift? You spend time and energy creating outrageous monstrosities such as Miniature Poodles and Chinese Crested. I give you an inch, and you a take a mile. You vain, vain creatures. Not like Me, who is Perfect and Completely Breathtaking.
2. The exhaustive fossil record – even easier. I purposely placed each and everyone of those fossils there Myself to test your faith. And you failed Me, again. <sigh>
3. Examples of “unintelligent design” – OK, so this one is probably the easiest to explain away. Let’s start with the premise that this “evidence” disproves Me by attempting the following line of un-faithful thinking (also known as “I.D – Incompetent Design” and the “Argument from poor design“):
- An omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent creator God (Yours Truly) would create organisms that have optimal design.
- Organisms have features that are suboptimal.
- Therefore, God (again, that Awesomeness that is Moi) either did not create these organisms or is not omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent.
The blind spot in the human eye is such an example of U.D: I created this ingenious imperfection to ensure that the day-to-day miracles I need to attend to can’t actually be observed by mortals at the time I’m doing them. It is entirely unacceptable that you lowly creatures would be able see My Glorious Hand popping into a room out of thin air, for example, and move your full and hot coffee cup by a couple of inches so that you knock it over and ruin the carpet as you reach for a sip. Mormons – I’m looking at you here.
Going back to the premise based on un-faithful thinking, here is the True and correct interpretation of what you observe to be “imperfections”. I have named this the “Argument from My Attention to Detail To Your Test of Faith”:
- An omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent creator, Me, would create organisms that have optimal design.
- Organisms have features that are apparently suboptimal, and these apparent imperfections are there for very good reasons but are not the reasons that evolutionists and heathens such Dawkins provide because the actual reasons for these are too numerous, and God (I) does not have the patience nor the motivation to explain these to you because these “imperfections” are there to test your faith in Me.
- Therefore, I (known as God to you) DID both create these organisms and Am omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent. And 100% Awesome.
There you have it. I created everything – especially all of you lot – in your present form and in 7 days, including all the so-called “evidence” to the contrary.
All ultimately, perfectly, deliberately and extremely intelligently designed by Me to test your fragile faith in Me. So far, you are failing. So stop all your irritating questioning and get praying, or else.