Blame God (er, Me), Not Global Warming

July 28, 2007

Blame God (er, Me), Not Global Warming. That’s what Harry (a) Gaylord says, and he is of course 100% correct.

“If you’ve been paying attention to the weather news lately, there has been severe flooding in many parts of the world, including here in the U.S. In some areas, rainfall records are being broken. From Texas to the UK, Sudan, Nepal, and China, these floods are destroying property, infrastructure, and lives. “

Well, you might have heard this news if you’ve just been paying attention to “the news”, not just the weather news, but whatever…get to the point…

“So why are all of these crazy weather patterns taking place? Could it be because of the much-publicized global warming? Is the flooding because of people cutting down too many trees and creating too many roads for the expansion of civilization? Or is it that all of this is God’s way of sending a message to us?”

Aha…now we’re getting to the Truth of the matter!

“Personally, I’m not one who holds to the global warming doctrine.”

That’s right, because global warming is a doctrine.

The Gaylord goes on…

“People can be as hysterical as they want to try to get everyone believing that we’re destroying the Earth with too much carbon dioxide or whatever, but the Bible clearly says in Revelation that God himself will be responsible for Earth’s destruction after the Antichrist’s rise to power.

…I can understand that in some instances people may lay too much concrete and not plant enough trees to absorb the water, thereby opening themselves up to the possibility of destruction.”

You can? What’s wrong with you. You’re on thin ice, I tell thee…

“However, I think the idea that God is punishing people for their sins may not be out of line.”

Ah, that’s more like it…go on…

“With all the atrocities China has committed in recent years selling their unsafe products, forcing abortions on women, and persecuting Christians, it’s no surprise that they are the hardest hit of all the areas that have flooded. “

That’s right! The Heathens are to blame, for they are the Misbehaved, the Non-Believers, actively seeking to destroy Christianity. Therefore they are the ones who deserve a good old fashioned flooding, destroying their miserable sinning lives!

And China is just but one example. But, Gaylord* is not a mindless idiot. He’s a thinker! Look –

“I haven’t quite figured out why Great Britain or Texas are suffering, so I’ll have to keep investigating to find out, I guess. The sad part about these judgments is that I don’t think these people will learn anything from their punishments.”

Gaylord, think no more! I can tell you precisely why I’ve been wrecking places like the UK, Texas and Katrina – and it’s got nothing to do with so-called “weather” (pfff), it’s because the residents have not been praying enough! The UK is a largely secular state and doomed to Hell. Texans are known for enjoying their BBQs more than abstinence and Katrina, well Katrina residents couldn’t afford those really fancy churches I love, so that’s their punishment.

Now stop blogging, and start praying!

* Frankly, your surname is verging on the blasphemous – Harry…consider a surname change or you might very find your own kitchen under a rather large volume of nasty toxic sewage water I’ve been saving for the Nepalese. As you know, I work in mysterious ways…